Just follow these 7 rules of thumb and you’re sure not to
succeed in your self-publishing endeavor!
1.
Don’t follow basic “rules” of writing. Misspellings
are fine; people will get the gist of what you’re saying (who remembers whether
it’s effect or affect anyway?). Grammar is for the birds. Oh, and don’t worry
about things like storylines, plots, character arcs, themes, and conflicts. If
you build it, they will come after all. It’s not like you’re writing drivel,
you’ve written a masterpiece!
2.
Do your own editing, formatting, cover design,
and proofreading. No one knows this book like you! It’s your baby, born of your
sweat, blood and tears. No one should ever get close to it with a red pen.
Ever. Maybe Mom can read it before you’ve published it. She thinks you’re
awesome. And you can do your own cover
design, even if the only program you can use with any competency is MS Paint.
3.
Market to other authors EXCLUSIVELY. Because
people who are trying to market their book surely want to read yours. In fact,
CRAM IT DOWN THEIR THROATS! They should see your book cover in their dreams! What
a better way to go about it?
4.
Write (or buy) a bunch of rave reviews of your
book. Great idea! Let’s pay/guilt/force Mom’s bridge club (c’mon Mom, you know
you love your child!) to log into Amazon and write a bunch of phony rave
reviews about your book. I can write a few, I’ll trade you a good review for
your book if you give me a good review for mine. That can’t get you banned from
Amazon for life… Right?
5.
Don’t talk to other authors: they’re your
competition! Ack! Stay away from those guys (and gals)! They probably don’t
have any experiences or wisdom they can pass on. They’re probably mean and
snobby and unfriendly. In fact, they’re probably going to recommend you have
someone else proofread your book and attack it with red pen. Better just avoid
them altogether, except for when you force feed them another reminder to BUY
YOUR BOOK!
6.
Expect through-the-roof sales immediately. Your
baby is luxurious, heartrending, pure gold in written form. Everyone will see
that, especially when Mom’s bridge club (HURRY UP, GUYS!) posts all those
fantastic reviews for people on Amazon. Readers will be crawling all over
themselves to read the beautiful things that spill forth from your innermost
soul. You’ll probably be a millionaire in weeks, if sales run slower than you
expect. Realistically, probably a millionaire in a few days.
7.
Publish your first novel before you have a
second one read to go. This is your pièce de résistance, your Mona Lisa.
Nothing you will ever write can compare to the profoundness, the absolute
purity of art in this first book. It’s not like you would ever offer it free so
people will read more of what you’ve written, and people would be ridiculous to
find an author they like and read all of their books when yours is obviously
the pinnacle of writing.
Obviously, there are exceptions to every rule, but these
seem to be pretty hard and fast. What would you add to this list?
