7 Ways to Fail at Self-Publishing

Just follow these 7 rules of thumb and you’re sure not to succeed in your self-publishing endeavor!

1.       Don’t follow basic “rules” of writing. Misspellings are fine; people will get the gist of what you’re saying (who remembers whether it’s effect or affect anyway?). Grammar is for the birds. Oh, and don’t worry about things like storylines, plots, character arcs, themes, and conflicts. If you build it, they will come after all. It’s not like you’re writing drivel, you’ve written a masterpiece!

2.       Do your own editing, formatting, cover design, and proofreading. No one knows this book like you! It’s your baby, born of your sweat, blood and tears. No one should ever get close to it with a red pen. Ever. Maybe Mom can read it before you’ve published it. She thinks you’re awesome.  And you can do your own cover design, even if the only program you can use with any competency is MS Paint.

3.       Market to other authors EXCLUSIVELY. Because people who are trying to market their book surely want to read yours. In fact, CRAM IT DOWN THEIR THROATS! They should see your book cover in their dreams! What a better way to go about it?

4.       Write (or buy) a bunch of rave reviews of your book. Great idea! Let’s pay/guilt/force Mom’s bridge club (c’mon Mom, you know you love your child!) to log into Amazon and write a bunch of phony rave reviews about your book. I can write a few, I’ll trade you a good review for your book if you give me a good review for mine. That can’t get you banned from Amazon for life… Right?

5.       Don’t talk to other authors: they’re your competition! Ack! Stay away from those guys (and gals)! They probably don’t have any experiences or wisdom they can pass on. They’re probably mean and snobby and unfriendly. In fact, they’re probably going to recommend you have someone else proofread your book and attack it with red pen. Better just avoid them altogether, except for when you force feed them another reminder to BUY YOUR BOOK!

6.       Expect through-the-roof sales immediately. Your baby is luxurious, heartrending, pure gold in written form. Everyone will see that, especially when Mom’s bridge club (HURRY UP, GUYS!) posts all those fantastic reviews for people on Amazon. Readers will be crawling all over themselves to read the beautiful things that spill forth from your innermost soul. You’ll probably be a millionaire in weeks, if sales run slower than you expect. Realistically, probably a millionaire in a few days.  

7.       Publish your first novel before you have a second one read to go. This is your pièce de résistance, your Mona Lisa. Nothing you will ever write can compare to the profoundness, the absolute purity of art in this first book. It’s not like you would ever offer it free so people will read more of what you’ve written, and people would be ridiculous to find an author they like and read all of their books when yours is obviously the pinnacle of writing.

Obviously, there are exceptions to every rule, but these seem to be pretty hard and fast. What would you add to this list?

Falling into Place: When Things Start Coming Together

Sorry I’ve been absent for a while, friends… I was sent to a training conference in Seattle for work, and the hotel’s internet was flaky, at best. While I was there, I felt it would be an excellent time to come down with lung-rattling bronchitis. Today is the first day I am both a) at home and b) able to string words into sentences. But, I have an exciting announcement (besides not being dead):

My illustrations are done!

Color me surprised, but my original illustrator got back to me. I was convinced she had headed for the hills (over a week past her extension date without a word, even though I tried repeatedly to contact her) and BAM! Over a dozen preliminary drawings show up in my email.

I’m a deadlines person. Things are always completed on time—usually even early—and God forbid anything ever be late. Artists, it seems, may run on a slightly different time table than that. While I struggle to wrap my mind around that idea, I’ve made my peace with it.

But good news all you struggling children's book writers out there: its entirely possible to have your book illustrated on a budget! Onto the next step in this process... Typesetting! 

What do you think of the illustrations?

Deadlines, expectations, and other things that can be thrown out windows

My illustrator emailed me last night, letting me know she has fallen behind, but plans to be done next week. I hope I was understanding and kind, because if you saw Wednesday’s post entitled, “Enduring the Wait,” you already know that I have the patience of a two year old that missed both nap time and lunch.

It happens. Deadlines aren’t always met. Neither are expectations. I mean, I expected that I wouldn’t sell my first book until it was illustrated and published, but, after telling a gentleman what I was trying to do, he prepaid for a signed copy of my book!

Guys, do you understand what I’m saying? I SOLD A COPY OF MY BOOK!!!

This has been the expression on my face since yesterday

If you’ve been there, you know the giddiness, the excitement, and the absolute delight/terror that comes with it. If you haven’t been there, hang on! Right now, I’m celebrating. Care to celebrate with me?

(Also, water balloons are other things that can be thrown out windows. And paper airplanes. And greetings to guests coming up the walkway.)