7 Ways to Fail at Self-Publishing

Just follow these 7 rules of thumb and you’re sure not to succeed in your self-publishing endeavor!

1.       Don’t follow basic “rules” of writing. Misspellings are fine; people will get the gist of what you’re saying (who remembers whether it’s effect or affect anyway?). Grammar is for the birds. Oh, and don’t worry about things like storylines, plots, character arcs, themes, and conflicts. If you build it, they will come after all. It’s not like you’re writing drivel, you’ve written a masterpiece!

2.       Do your own editing, formatting, cover design, and proofreading. No one knows this book like you! It’s your baby, born of your sweat, blood and tears. No one should ever get close to it with a red pen. Ever. Maybe Mom can read it before you’ve published it. She thinks you’re awesome.  And you can do your own cover design, even if the only program you can use with any competency is MS Paint.

3.       Market to other authors EXCLUSIVELY. Because people who are trying to market their book surely want to read yours. In fact, CRAM IT DOWN THEIR THROATS! They should see your book cover in their dreams! What a better way to go about it?

4.       Write (or buy) a bunch of rave reviews of your book. Great idea! Let’s pay/guilt/force Mom’s bridge club (c’mon Mom, you know you love your child!) to log into Amazon and write a bunch of phony rave reviews about your book. I can write a few, I’ll trade you a good review for your book if you give me a good review for mine. That can’t get you banned from Amazon for life… Right?

5.       Don’t talk to other authors: they’re your competition! Ack! Stay away from those guys (and gals)! They probably don’t have any experiences or wisdom they can pass on. They’re probably mean and snobby and unfriendly. In fact, they’re probably going to recommend you have someone else proofread your book and attack it with red pen. Better just avoid them altogether, except for when you force feed them another reminder to BUY YOUR BOOK!

6.       Expect through-the-roof sales immediately. Your baby is luxurious, heartrending, pure gold in written form. Everyone will see that, especially when Mom’s bridge club (HURRY UP, GUYS!) posts all those fantastic reviews for people on Amazon. Readers will be crawling all over themselves to read the beautiful things that spill forth from your innermost soul. You’ll probably be a millionaire in weeks, if sales run slower than you expect. Realistically, probably a millionaire in a few days.  

7.       Publish your first novel before you have a second one read to go. This is your pièce de résistance, your Mona Lisa. Nothing you will ever write can compare to the profoundness, the absolute purity of art in this first book. It’s not like you would ever offer it free so people will read more of what you’ve written, and people would be ridiculous to find an author they like and read all of their books when yours is obviously the pinnacle of writing.

Obviously, there are exceptions to every rule, but these seem to be pretty hard and fast. What would you add to this list?

5 Reasons Not to Self-Publish Your Book

There’s literally over a thousand articles out there on why you should never-ever-in-a-hundred-million-years (probably not an industry-specific term) self-publish a book. I’ve read a fair number of them before launching into the adventure of self-publishing because I like to be informed and love I a good challenge. Here’s the general consensus among the naysayers:

1.       It’s A LOT of work. Lucky you, you’re on the hook for all of it. You have to find an editor, your own cover artist/illustrator, your own proofreader (and it shouldn’t be your mom… Though I still love you, Mom!), and do your own marketing. Remember all that time you used to spend writing? Swallowed up in the immense amount of time spent doing everything else associated with publishing.

2.       The cost. Unless you can find a way to do this on a budget, you will pay for, at a minimum, a quality cover (because a tacky cover does little to attract readers), editing (I tend to be quite “comma happy”), proofreading (editors miss things too), marketing/promotion, and a website (unless you’re also an internet guru. Some of you are. Color me jealous).

3.       The quality. Its only as good as you can afford up front, and sometimes, it’s not very much. I’ve seen some pretty fantastic stuff and also some pretty poor quality books. There’s not quality control with self-publishing; printing companies will print whatever you send them. Also, traditional publishers know the ins and outs of proper book layout, which increases a book’s appeal.

 

Its perfect, right?

4.       Lower distribution. Unless you are incredibly good, incredibly lucky, and incredibly talented, you won’t get bookstore or library distribution, and you’ll just been that sad person selling your books at an otherwise empty table at the local farmer’s market.

5.       The perception. We all know someone who has self-published something that my British friends refer to as “rubbish” (thank you, British friends, for being worlds more polite than Americans). Many people think all self-published books are the same sub-par, unprofessional drivel. That stigma is fading, but not nearly fast enough. We know it’s not true, but we’re on the inside.

Those are the top 5 reasons, according to the “experts.” What are your thoughts on these? Do these arguments hold any water?

Tomorrow I’ll give you the top reasons to self-publish, so don’t tar and feather me yet!

Haphazard Marketing: Self-publishing authors

Confession: I have no idea how to market a self-published book. Absolutely none. Every time I try to research the idea, my eyes glaze over after a few excruciating sentences and my mind wanders to pirate ships, mysterious forests, or the Wild West.

 

I'd rather kiss this goat again

Shockingly, I actually did well in school.

My plan right now is to get 100 first copies printed of my book, go to local bookstores, and try to convince the owner to carry a few copies of my book. Maybe (gulp) try to convince someone to let me do a book signing.

The very idea makes my right eye twitch.

There’s got to be a better way, right? Please, my self-publishing compadres, help a sister out! How do you market your book?